Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Jokes: Generic name for Viagra


In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were MycoxafailinMydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
 
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff 
drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
 
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.




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Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Twenty dollar bill - you are special!


Sometimes we just need to be reminded! 

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked,

"Who would like this $20 bill?"

Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. 

He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.

He then asked, "Who still wants it?"

Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"

And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

"Now, who still wants it?"

Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.

No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.

It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.

We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.

The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.

You are special- Don't EVER forget it."

If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring.

Count your blessings, not your problems.

"And remember: amateurs built the ark .. professionals built the Titanic.

If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it.


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Psalms 118

 Q: What is the shortest chapter in the Bible? 

 A: Psalms 117 


 Q: What is the longest chapter in the Bible? 

 A: Psalms 119 


 Q: Which chapter is in the center of the Bible? 

 A: Psalms 118 


 Fact: There are 594 chapters before Psalms 118 


 Fact: There are 594 chapters after Psalms 118 


 Add these numbers up and you get 1188. 


 Q: What is the center verse in the Bible? 

 A: Psalms 118:8 


Q: Does this verse say something significant about God's perfect will for our lives? 


 The next time someone says they would like to find God's perfect will for their lives and that they want to be in the center of His will, just send them to the center of His Word! 


 Psalms 118:8 

 "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man." 

 Now isn't that odd how this worked out (or was God in the center of it)? 


 "Father God bless my friend in whatever it is that you know he/she may be needing this day! 

 And may his/her life be full of your peace, prosperity and power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with You. 

 Amen" 



 When things get tough, always remember... 

 Faith doesn't get you around trouble, it gets you through it!! 

 God Bless You! 



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U.S. Congress stats



NBA OR NFL?

 
36 have been accused of spousal abuse



have been arrested for fraud




19have been accused of writing bad checks

 
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at  least 2 businesses

 
have done time for assault

71, repeat 71 cannot
get a  credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

     
have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently
are defendants in lawsuits, and 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

   

 
Can you guess which organization this is?

  




Give up yet? . . . Scroll down,  




















Neither, it's the 35 members of  the United States Congress.

The same  group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.


*I have no idea if this is accurate



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Thursday, September 17, 2015

Joke: A lawyer goes to heaven


Upon arriving at heaven the lawyer protested it was to early for him to die, because he was only 32 years old and there must be some mistake.

The angel listened and agreed that perhaps there was some mistake and promised to scrutinize the allegation.

After a while the angel replied and said “I’m sorry sir but I am afraid there was no mistake.’

“We calculated your age by how many hours you billed your clients, and you are at least 96 years old.”



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Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Joke: Why men pee standing up


God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and he couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.

He thought he might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them, and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it." Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please, it seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!"

On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it soo badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains", said God.




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Friday, September 11, 2015

Newly designed seat belt

The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt.  

Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.  

Correct installation is illustrated below:



 


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Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Buckeye Fan and the Priest


Buckeye Fan and the Priest

We Ohio State fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Michigan fan we see strutting down the street, with that obnoxious maze & blue "M" on their shirt and/or hat.

We would swerve our vehicles as if to hit them, and then swerve back just missing them.

Oh day, while driving along, I saw a priest.

I thought I would do a good deed, so I pulled over and asked the priest, 


"Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis Church, about 2 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we continued down the road.

Suddenly, I saw a Michigan fan walking down the road, with that "M" shirt on, and I instinctively swerved as if to hit him.

But, as usual, I swerved back into the road just in time. Even though I was certain that I had missed the guy, I still heard a loud thud. 

Not understanding where the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors, but still didn't see anything. I then remembered the priest. I turned to him and said, "Sorry Father. I almost hit that Michigan fan."

"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door!"

GO BUCKS!!!!!!




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Kid with fork stuck in his nose

Ouch!

 It looks like he'll be fine. He is probably a teenager by now.




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Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Bird flu symptoms

CDC  WARNING

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.   
If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 

  1. High fever 
  2. Congestion 
  3. Nausea 
  4. Fatigue 
  5. Aching in the joints 
  6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.  


HEY...gotta keep a sense of humor these days......when you stop laughing, you better have your pre-arrangements completed and plot purchased.....so at least SMILE !!!!!!!!



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Quotes - propaganda, liberalism, wealth, character

INSIGHT

"Propaganda is persuading people to make up their minds while withholding some of the facts from them." —Harold Evans 

"Liberalism isn't a political philosophy. It's a vile combination of sickness and evil." —Rabbi Mayer Schiller 

"The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money." —Bernard Meltzer 

"Character may be manifested in the great moments, but it is made in the small ones." —Phillips Brooks


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