Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Funeral joke

God’s Problem Now!
His wife”s graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. 

The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she’s there."

Paul Newman joke

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That’s the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing  bottle?”
Blank stares.
“Well, you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.”
An eight-year-old girl perked up. “How long was he missing?”

Going to war joke

Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. “I’m going to be away for a long time,” I told him. “I’m going to Iraq .”
“Why?” he asked. “Don”t you know there’s a war going on over there?”

Where do babies come from joke

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies” tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?”
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don”t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”

Child immunization joke

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her injection.
“No, no, no!” she screamed.
“Lizzie,” scolded her mother, “that”s not polite behavior.”
With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!

Grandmother joke

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.

Carolyn shrugged. “In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.”

Joke: Breast feeding

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued  and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. 

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.”

Wedding cake joke

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in London.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

Afraid of heights? - cool pictures

A death-defying act by  Eskil Rønningsbakken in Norway
Climbing Mt.  Wellington
Vintage climbing photo  taken from Gaston Rébuffat's book
Climbing  Redwoods
Skywalking in the  Alps
British climber John  Roberts in South Africa
Cliff camping
Extreme kayaking at  Victoria Falls
Bike trail on the Cliffs  of Moher

Blake Aldridge dives 29  metres from the rock monolith during the Red Bull Cliff Diving World Series in Portugal
Jumping on the Trolltunga rock in Norway
Ice climbing a frozen  waterfall
Extreme skiing at Grand  Targhee, Wyoming
Extreme  picnicking
Skywalking on Mount  Nimbus in Canada
On the Edgewalk in  Toronto
Sitting on the  Trolltunga rock in Norway
Portaledge camping at  Yosemite
Tree camping in  Germany

Friday, July 12, 2013

Elderly man in a wheelchair - joke

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. 

Placing his hand on the man's, he said, “I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”

Lucky Frog joke

A man takes the day off work and 
Decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,

Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't 
See anyone.  
Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'  
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the 
Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.  
He is shocked.  
He says to the frog,  
'Wow that's amazing..  
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies,

'Ribbit Lucky frog.'  
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?'  
The man asks.

'Ribbit 3 wood.'
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, 
Boom! Hole in one...  
The man is befuddled and doesn't know
What to say.  
By the end of the day, the man golfed the
Best game of golf in his life and 
asks the frog,  
'OK where to next?'
The frog replies,  
'Ribbit Las Vegas ..
' They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says,  
'OK frog, now What?'  
The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table, 
The man asks,  
'What do you think I should Bet?'  
The frog replies, 
'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but 
after the golf game the man
Figures what the heck.
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table
The man takes his winnings and 
buys the best room in the Hotel.  
He sits the frog down and Says,

'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and 
I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies,
'Ribbit KissMe.'
He figures why not,
Since after all the frog did for Him,
He deserves it..  
With a kiss, the frog turns into a 
gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

'And that,
your honor, is how the girl 
ended up in my room. '

Circumcision Trainer

Are you worried that you'll mess up your infant son's circumcision? Practice on this uncanny,
anatomically-correct plastic simulacrum. 

Go get it