Saturday, April 25, 2015

Why are Republicans on the right?


The answer is in the Bible...

Remember what Jesus said: 'Goats on the left, sheep on the right' (Matthew 25:33)

Jesus also told Peter that if he wanted to catch fish do it from the right side of the boat.   
They did and filled the boat with fish. John 21:6 (NIV) ...
He said, "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some." >
When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish." 

Origin of Left & Right... 

I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called the "right"  and Liberals are called the "left".

By chance I stumbled upon this verse in the Bible:   Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) 

"The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left."
Thus sayeth the Lord.   Amen.  It surely can't get any simpler than that.
Spelling Lesson :
The last four letters in American..........  I  Can
The last four letters in Republican........ I Can
The last four letters in  Democrats......... Rats  

End of lesson !  ....Test to follow on November 6, 2016 . 

Remember,  November 2016 is to be set aside as rodent removal month.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Letter sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman.


The letter, shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

 Dear Sir:

 I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

 By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
 required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

  1. To make an appointment to see me.
  2. To query a missing payment.
  3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
  4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
  5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
  6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
  7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
  8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
  9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.

Your Humble Client,



(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman!)

JUST GOTTA' LOVE SENIORS~!!!*

Monday, April 6, 2015

Jokes: LEVITICUS 20:13 misinterpreted


TWO LAWS IN THE HEBREW SCRIPTURES (OLD TESTAMENT) WERE FULFILLED ON THE SAME DAY
FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN'T HEARD, WASHINGTON STATE RECENTLY PASSED TWO LANDMARK LAWS: "GAY MARRIAGE" AND THE "LEGALIZATION OF MARIJUANA."
THE FACT THAT GAY MARRIAGE AND MARIJUANA WERE LEGALIZED ON THE SAME DAY MAKES PERFECT BIBLICAL SENSE

BECAUSE:

LEVITICUS 20:13 SAYS: "IF A MAN LIES WITH ANOTHER MAN, THEY SHOULD BOTH BE STONED.”

WE JUST HADN'T INTERPRETED IT CORRECTLY.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Jokes: Hooded sweatshirt purpose

I've  always wondered what purpose a hooded sweatshirt serves when indoors.
For all the times we sit at the computer!
I'll have to get one!!

Friday, March 27, 2015

Cute animal pics

 Hi Babies!  Smile for the camera!
 I'm not cute! I'm vicious! Rawwr Raawwrr!  All right fine, I'm cute.
 Honey, I think you may have a fever.
 Just one last hug before I go to school.  K Bye mom!
 No dog bed?  No problem.
 Baby is drowsing, cozy and fair
Mother sits near, in her rocking chair...
 We are absolutely captionless!
 My mom wants me to get braces, I'd rather just wear a hat.
 A loving (and warm) family.
 You go ahead on your vacation, I'll watch your fish for you.
 He's right behind me, isn't he....
 Just a little to the left!  Now hold still!
 Yoga kitty says: The key to inner health is inner peace.
 Knock knock.  We're cute.  Give us candy.
 Is it 8am already?  Just 5 more minutes pleeeeeeeez
 Mommy, I'm tiewwwwd. Cawwwy meeeee!
Keep your eyes closed for just 1 more second.
I promise the surprise is almost here!

~~~ UNTIL ONE HAS LOVED AN ANIMAL,
PART OF THEIR SOUL REMAINS UNAWAKENED ~~

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Women are like apples on trees

Women....
Women are like apples on trees.  The best ones are at the top of the tree.  Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.  Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.  The apples at the top think something is wrong with them when in reality they're amazing.  They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.


Now Men...
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

There now....wasn't that warm and fuzzy.