Thursday, October 30, 2014

Pictures: Photoshop fun








Monday, October 27, 2014

Jokes: Marriage joke



40 years
Of marriage.. 


A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic
Little restaurant.
 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married
Couple and for being loving to each other for
All this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world
With my darling husband.'
 

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
Tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her
Hands.

The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
Opportunity like this will never come again. I'm
Sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30
Years younger than me.'
 

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
But a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and
Poof!...
 

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: 

Men who are ungrateful jerks should
Remember fairies are female
...... 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Lists: 12 things not to say to a cop

NEVER SAY TO A COP


  1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas ) 
  2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 
  3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 
  4. Hey, you must have been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 
  5. Are You Andy or Barney? 
  6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 
  7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 
  8. I pay your salary! 
  9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave ! me a warning, too! 
  10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 
  11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are. 
  12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

List: five simple rules to be happy

Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 
  1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. 
  2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. 
  3. Live simply and appreciate what you have. 
  4. Give more. 
  5. Expect less. 

Monday, October 13, 2014

Mitt Romney's Obama joke

President Obama went to the bank to cash a check and he didn't have his ID. And the teller said you've got to prove who you are.
He said, “How should I do that?” She said the other day Phil Mickelson came in, he ddidn'thave his ID but he set up a little cup on the ground, took a golf ball, putted it right into that cup so they knew it was Phil Mickelson. They cashed his check.
And then Andre Agassi came in. And Andre Agassi didn't have his ID either. He put a little target on the wall, took a tennis ball and racquet– hit it onto that target time. We knew that was Andre Agassi so we cashed his check.
And she said to him, “Is there anything you can do to prove who you are?” And [Obama] said, “I don’t have a clue.”
And she said, “Well, Mr. President, do you want your money in small bills or large bills.”

Pictures: Photoshop fun








Friday, October 10, 2014

List: Six facts about raising children

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Socialism lesson


An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one should be poor and no one should be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan". All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A.... (substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all).

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy. 

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because 
when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed. 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

List: Ten Things That Will Disappear In Our Lifetime

10 Things That Will Disappear In Our Lifetime.

This is USA oriented, but Canada & the rest will not be far behind. Whether these changes are good or bad depends in part on how we adapt to them.  But, ready or not, here they come.

1. The Post Office

Get ready to imagine a world without the post office. They are so deeply in financial trouble that there is probably no way to sustain it long term. Email, Fed Ex, and UPS have just about wiped out the minimum revenue needed to keep the post office alive. Most of your mail every day is junk mail and bills.
2. The Check

Britain is already laying the groundwork to do away with check by 2018.  It costs the financial system billions of dollars a year to process checks.  Plastic cards and online transactions will lead to the eventual demise of the check.  This plays right into the death of the post office.  If you never paid your bills by mail and never received them by mail, the post office would absolutely go out of business.

3. The Newspaper

The younger generation simply doesn't read the newspaper.  They certainly don't subscribe to a daily delivered print edition.  That may go the way of the milkman and the laundry man.  As for reading the paper online, get ready to pay for it.  The rise in mobile Internet devices and e-readers has caused all the newspaper and magazine publishers to form an alliance.  They have met with Apple, Amazon, and the major cell phone companies to develop a model for paid subscription services.

4. The Book

You say you will never give up the physical book that you hold in your hand and turn the literal pages  I said the same thing about downloading music from iTunes.  I wanted my hard copy CD.  But I quickly changed my mind when I discovered that I could get albums for half the price without ever leaving home to get the latest music.  The same thing will happen with books.  You can browse a bookstore online and even read a preview chapter before you buy.  And the price is less than half that of a real book.  And think of the convenience!  Once you start flicking your fingers on the screen instead of the book, you find that you are lost in the story, can't wait to see what happens next, and you forget that you're holding a gadget instead of a book.
5. The Land Line Telephone

Unless you have a large family and make a lot of local calls, you don't need it anymore.  Most people keep it simply because they've always had it.  But you are paying double charges for that extra service.  All the cell phone companies will let you call customers using the same cell provider for no charge against your minutes.

6. Music

This is one of the saddest parts of the change story.  The music industry is dying a slow death.  Not just because of illegal downloading.  It's the lack of innovative new music being given a chance to get to the people who would like to hear it.  Greed and corruption is the problem.  The record labels and the radio conglomerates are simply self-destructing.  Over 40% of the
music purchased today is "catalogue items," meaning traditional music that the public is familiar with.  Older established artists.  This is also true on the live concert circuit.  To explore this fascinating and disturbing topic further, check out the book, "Appetite for Self-Destruction" by Steve Knopper, and the video documentary, "Before the Music Dies."

7. Television Revenues

To the networks are down dramatically.  Not just because of the economy.  People are watching TV and movies streamed from their computers.  And they're playing games and doing lots of other things that take up the time that used to be spent watching TV.  Prime time shows have degenerated down to lower than the lowest common denominator.  Cable rates are skyrocketing and commercials run about every 4 minutes and 30
seconds.  I say good riddance to most of it.  It's time for the cable companies to be put out of our misery.  Let the people choose what they want to watch online and through Netflix.

8. The "Things" That You Own

Many of the very possessions that we used to own are still in our lives, but we may not actually own them in the future.  They may simply reside in "the cloud."  Today your computer has a hard drive and you store your pictures, music, movies, and documents.  Your software is on a CD or DVD, and you can always re-install it if need be.  But all of that is changing. Apple, Microsoft, and Google are all finishing up their latest "cloud services."  That means that when you turn on a computer, the Internet will be built into the operating system.  So, Windows, Google, and the Mac OS will be tied straight into the Internet.  If you click an icon, it will open something in the Internet cloud.  If you save something, it will be saved to the cloud.  And you may pay a monthly subscription fee to the cloud provider.  In this virtual world, you can access your music or your books, or your whatever from any laptop or handheld device.  That's the good news.  But, will you actually own any of this "stuff" or will it all be able to disappear at any moment in a big "Poof?"  Will most of the things in our lives be disposable and whimsical?  It makes you want to run to the closet and pull out that photo album, grab a book from the shelf, or open up a CD case and pull out the insert.

9. Joined Handwriting (Cursive Writing)

Already gone in some schools who no longer teach "joined handwriting" because nearly everything is done now on computers or keyboards of some type (pun not intended).

10. Privacy

If there ever was a concept that we can look back on nostalgically, it would be privacy.  That's gone.  It's been gone for a long time anyway..  There are cameras on the street, in most of the buildings, and even built into your computer and cell phone.  But you can be sure that 24/7, "They" know who you are and where you are, right down to the GPS coordinates, and the Google Street View.  If you buy something, your habit is put into a zillion
profiles, and your ads will change to reflect those habits..."They" will try to get you to buy something else.  Again and again and again.

All we will have left that which can't be changed.......are our "Memories".

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Random questions

Why , Why ,Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
   _____ 
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
  _____ 

Why does someoneBelieve when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
   _____ 

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
   _____ 

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest , but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
   _____ 

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
   _____ 

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
   _____ 

If people evolved from apes,
Why are there still apes?
   _____  
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
    _____  
Is there ever a day that mattresses
Are not on sale?   
 
   _____  
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something  new to eat will have materialized?
 
  _____  
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner , then reach down , pick it up , examine it , then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
    _____  
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
  
  _____  
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light  fixtures?   _____  
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so , why do we say , 'It's all right?' Well , it isn't all right , so why don't we say , 'That really hurt , why don't you watch where you're going?'
    _____  
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
  
  _____  
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? 
   _____  
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
 
  _____  
And my FAVORITE......The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay , then it's you.