Saturday, June 30, 2012

Hospital Chart Bloopers



(Actual writings from Hospital charts)

1.The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6 On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 66-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Joke: Motorcycle gang


On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.  So they stopped. 

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
  
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide." 
  
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" 
  
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one. 
   
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow!  That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey!  That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts.  You could be famous if you rode with me.  Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." 

It's still unclear whether she jumped or 
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Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Helpful household hints

Use a (clean) dustpan to fill a container that doesn't fit in the sink

How to put shoes in the dryer 



Use sunglasses or a small convex mirror to avoid people sneaking
up on you while wearing headphones at work .


Place a rubber band around an open paint can to wipe your brush on,
and keep paint off the side of the can 

Use a staple remover to save your fingernails when trying to add things to your key ring!

How to keep the straw from rising out of your soda can

Put wooden spoon across boiling pot of water to keep from boiling over. 

Use bread clips to save flip-flops with split holes.  

 Use a microfiber cloth to prevent frost from forming on the windshield. 

Use a Comb to Keep a Nail Steady for Hammering 

Use a post it note to catch drilling debris. 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Man stopped by police joke


An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about gambling, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Who am I?


HINTS

1.  I was born in one country, raised in another. 
2.  My father was born in another country. 
3.  I was not his only child. 
4.  He fathered several children with numerous women. 
5.  I became very close to my mother, as my father showed no interest in me. 
6.  My mother died at an early age from cancer. 
7.  Although my father deserted me and my mother raised me, I later wrote a book idolizing my father, not my mother. 
8.  Later in life, questions arose over my real name. 
9.  My birth records were sketchy. 
10.                   No one was able to produce a legitimate, reliable birth certificate. 
11.                   I grew up practicing one faith but converted to Christianity, as it was widely accepted in my new country, but I practiced non-traditional beliefs and didn't follow Christianity, except in the public eye under scrutiny. 
12.                   I worked and lived among lower-class people as a young adult, disguising myself as someone who really cared about them. 
13.                   That was before I decided it was time to get serious about my life and embarked on a new career. 
14.                   I wrote a book about my struggles growing up. 
15.                   It was clear to those who read my memoirs, that I had difficulties accepting that my father abandoned me as a child. 
16.                   I became active in local politics in my 30's then, with help behind the scenes, 
17.                   I literally burst onto the scene as a candidate for national office in my 40's. 
18.                   They said I had a golden tongue and could talk anyone into anything. 
19.                   I had a virtually non-existent resume, little work history, and no experience in leading a single organization. 
20.                   Yet I was a powerful speaker and citizens were drawn to me, as though I were a magnet and they were small roofing tacks. 
21.                   I drew incredibly large crowds during my public appearances. This bolstered my ego. 
22.                   At first, my political campaign focused on my country's foreign policy; I was very critical of my country in the last war, and seized every opportunity to bash my country. 
23.                   But what launched my rise to national prominence were my views on the country's 
24.                   I pretended to have a really good plan on how we could do better, and every poor person would be fed and housed for free . 
25.                   I knew which group was responsible for getting us into this mess: it was the free market, banks and corporations . 
26.                   I decided to start making citizens hate them and, if they became envious of others who did well, the plan was clinched tight. 
27.                   I called mine "A People's Campaign."  That sounded good to all people. 
28.                   I was the surprise candidate because I emerged from outside the traditional path of politics and was able to gain widespread popular support. 
29.                   I knew that, if I merely offered the people 'hope', together we could change our country and the world.. 
30.                   So, I started to make my speeches sound like they were on behalf of the downtrodden, poor, ignorant to include "persecuted minorities". 
31.                   My true views were not widely known and I kept them unknown, until after I became my nation's leader. 
32.                   I had to carefully guard reality, as anybody could have easily found out what I really believed, if they had simply read my writings and examined those people I associated with. I'm glad they didn't. 
33.                   Then I became the most powerful man in the world. 
34.                   And then the world learned the truth. 
Who am I?  
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ADOLF HITLER  
If you were thinking of SOMEONE ELSE, you should be scared, very scared!



Welfare cartoon


Aircraft hits four buildings - scared the crap out of them! - joke


AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS
This is tough to watch. It just shows the dangers of attending these events. 

Air Show Disaster - Amazing photo shows great detail.
The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.
It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.
One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.
Probably scared the crap out of them.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Leadership (George W. Bush) vs Narcissism (Barack Obama)


Leadership:
President George W. Bush's speech after
the capture of Saddam Hussein:
   "The success of yesterday's mission is a tribute to our men and women now serving in Iraq . The operation was based on the superb work of intelligence analysts who found the dictator's footprints in a vast country. The operation was carried out with skill and precision by a brave fighting force. Our servicemen and women and our coalition allies have faced many dangers in the hunt for members of the fallen regime, and in their effort to bring hope and freedom to the Iraqi people. Their work continues, and so do the risks. Today, on behalf of the nation, I thank the members of our Armed Forces and I congratulate them!"
Narcissism:
   Obama's speech after the killing of Osama bin Laden:
  "And so shortly after taking office, I directed Leon Panetta, the Director of the CIA, to make the killing or capture of bin Laden the top priority of our war against al Qaeda, even as we continued our broader efforts to disrupt, dismantle, and defeat his network. Then, last August, was briefed on a possible lead to bin Laden. It was far from certain, and it took many months to run this thread to ground. I met repeatedly with my national security team as we developed more information about the possibility that we had located bin Laden hiding within a compound deep inside of Pakistan . And finally, last week, I determined that we had enough intelligence to take action, and I authorized an operation to get Osama bin Laden and bring him to justice.Today, at my direction, the United States launched a targeted operation against that compound in Abbottabad , Pakistan ."
   Obama did not once acknowledge our brave men and women who fight for our country...just sayin'.