Friday, August 31, 2012

Pictures - getting older jokes

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.
  
 My grandpa started walking

five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.



I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

 The only reason I would take up walking

is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...  

I joined a health club last year,

spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.  

I do have flabby thighs,

but fortunately my stomach covers them.



The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,

start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.  

We all get heavier as we get older,

because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine. 


What Southerners know


Suthunuhs!

Southerners know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
 

Southerners know their vacation spots:
 
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southerners know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southerners know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
 

Southerners know their religions:
 
Bapdiss
Methdiss
Kathlik
Football 

Southerners know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
 
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna
Looville


Southerners know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler
Colonel Sanders 

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
 
Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
 

Only
 a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, 
you "PITCH" them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of
 "yonder." 
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long
"directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when
 "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between
 "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
_____

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that
 "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____

In the South, “y'all” is singular, “all y'all” is plural.
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows that tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; that scrambled eggs just ain’t right without Tabasco , and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say
 "sweet tea" and"sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her sweet little heart"... and go your own way.
_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your little heart!
_____


And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff....bless your hearts, I hear they’re fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____

Southern girls know men may come and go,
 but friends are fah-evah !

There ain't no magazine named "Northern Living" for good reason. There ain't nobody interested in livin' up north, nobody would buy the magazine!

Now Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had a’been! If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Photos that restore your faith in humanity


 (I believe this young lady appreciates the gift of that man's shoes)








A father and mother kissing their dying little girl goodbyeIf you are wondering why all the medical people are bowing: in less than an hour, two small children in the next room are able to live thanks to the little girl's kidney and liver.